omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
