I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize