Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
