my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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