every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
