i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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