so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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