Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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