im about as happy as oj after his trial
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
