Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
