I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
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I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
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I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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