The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
