I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
