Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
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I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
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i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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