Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
