Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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