Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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