I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
