just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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