Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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