Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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