mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
