another moral hangover. fuck.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more