my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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