I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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