I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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