Will you blow on my dice?
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
3 2 1 whiskey
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
