I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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