It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Alive.
So much puke
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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