Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
