We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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