i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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