Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
