3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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