Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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