Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
