I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
