i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
