they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
