You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
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I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
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When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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