His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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