I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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