I puked a lego.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
