Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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