I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
