I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
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There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
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I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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