12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
