how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
