someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
