Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
