If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Randomize
