I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Couch. On fire.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
