Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
In other news, I just burned my penis
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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