I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
